So we all know Steam, right?
That place where video games are bought, and money is thrown to a man who instead of taking that money to invest it into making Half Life 3, is allowing bullsh*t developers to publish crappy asset flips, and calling it a day to make a quick buck. Which sucks, because we all want Half Life 3. Well, honestly I don’t.
I mean I’ve never played the Half Life games so I don’t really care. But I know that a lot of people do and really want Half Life 3. Really badly. ‘Cause supposedly the release of that game would be like the second coming of Jesus or something…but I wouldn’t know because I’m not Christian.
For years people have complained about the oversaturation of games on Steam. And when looking at the analytics, you can kind of understand where those complaints come from. A quick google search shows that:
In 2016 there have been an incredible 4,207 games released on Steam. That’s 38 per cent of its entire library.
Over 4,000 games. In one year. And obviously most of those games aren’t your Witcher 3’s. Heck I wouldn’t be surprised if most of that sh*t was crap like this:
And that’s crazy to me. And it’s news like that, which makes my console peasant mind go, “psshh, wow, things are really out of control over there on the PC gaming market. You would never get those types of games on the PSN store.”
Yeah, well, if that were the case, I wouldn’t be here now would I? Turns out, the PSN store is becoming, or rather has already become, a complete sh*thole of a marketplace with no means of curation of what it’s bringing to its storefront.
At the beginning of this year, PlayStation released on their official YouTube page, where they post official PlayStation things, officially; a trailer for a game called Life of Black Tiger. I don’t need to tell you what that game is, you probably already know.
The trailer currently has over a million views, and close to 50K dislikes, compared to 10K likes, of which I’m sure many were simply taking the piss by hitting that like button, because there’s absolutely nothing to fu**ing like about this sh*t. I mean fu*king look at it.
Seriously look at it.
What the actual Jim Sterling’s creamy balls is this? And by the way, this is what the video description reads:
Life of Black Tiger is an interactive adventure story game is set in jungle, field, and forest surroundings….
Wait what? Can we read that again please?
Life of Black Tiger is an interactive adventure story game is set in jungle, field, and forest surroundings.
You can have a vivid and realistic experience through in various missions.
Oh yeah, real vivid. Much experience. Many realistic.
Now myself alongside, I’m sure, many others probably thought that Sony was simply playing some sort of joke. Because clearly that could be the only explanation. But nope. Shuhei wasn’t Yoshida-ing us around, this sh*t was real…and that was a really bad joke.
And as of typing this write now, the game costs $9.99 on PSN. Which I’m actually fairly certain was dropped down from $19.99 from when it first launched. But regardless, both of those prices are $70 too high for this racist monstrosity. And if you wonder why I said racist, go ahead and watch our lord and saviour Jim Sterling’s video and you’ll understand why.
But fine, maybe this was just a slip up within Sony. Somebody clearly was going through a mid-life crisis, and didn’t have his/her coffee with Metamucil and grinded up Aleve that morning, so we now got Life of Black Tiger. But if only it were the one exception.
2 days BEFORE the trailer for Life of Black Tiger released, this sh*t came up on PlayStation’s official YouTube channel.
What is this abomination and horrendous excuse for a video game you ask? Skylight Freerange 2: Gachduine…Didn’t catch that did ya? Well here it is again, Skylight. Freerange. 2. Cause the first one was a fu*king box office hit. Gachduine.
But you know what? We can’t judge a game based on its name. I mean my favourite fighting game is Dragon Ball Z Budokai Tenkaichi 3. And hell if I know how to pronounce any of the fucking Tales of Clusterfu*ktopia games.
So, how’s the gameplay of Skylight Freerange 2?
Yeah, Sony, curate your sh*t.
And you know how I started this whole thing talking crap about Steam and all the random sh*t they have on there? Yeah well this game, Skylight Freerange 2: Gachduine, didn’t make the cut for Steam. Let that sink in. A marketplace that’s completely riddled with asset flips and broken games, gave the ol’ “you shall not pass” to this, and Sony was like, “yeah, f*ck it, Uncharted sales are down, so might as well.”
I could go on and on and give you example after example. But honestly, go do it yourself. Seriously, go to the PSN store, and just browse. There’s a ludicrous amount of sh*t on there. And I was amazed just how much there was. Like why the f*ck are there 7,000 pinball games? Who buys this? But fine, at least they’re games. That function. That are playable. If you have a 5 year old, you could put on some random pinball game, or card game, or some puzzle game and distract the kid for a few hours while you go to your room and masturbate.
But it’s when Sony start looking the other way, or not fu*king looking at all, and bring on plain old broken games, that things become a problem. There are even games that are clearly misleading, and simply there as a quick cash grab. Games like “***** 1000 Top Rated” which was simply there as a way for players to get a quick platinum, and was advertised – clearly – as obnoxiously as possible to increase their number of downloads.
Sony did eventually pull the game, but not because it was a trash excuse of a puzzle game, but because of the way they named their game. Yeah, not because the developers made a game basically saying, “pay us money, get platinum” but because of the way they named their game. Nice.
There are so many more examples. Horse Racing 2016, a game that’s free on Android, that’s right fucking Android, but costs $15 on the PSN store. There’s a broken Firefighter simulator. A broken deer simulator, and so much more crap that just shouldn’t be there.
Now a lot of you might be saying, “oh what’s the big deal, if you don’t like the game, just don’t buy it.” And I fu*king hate when people say sh*t like that. It’s like, oh it doesn’t affect me directly, so I shouldn’t care. Well, I do care. I care because Sony should be better than this.
They shouldn’t be allowing these lazy, half-assed, and simply broken games onto their “premium” platform. When I’m sure there are thousands of indie-developers that would kill to get their actual good games onto Sony’s platform; but can’t because they simply don’t have the clout and connections that these fu*kers somehow have.
This is just pure laziness, and hurts the image of the PlayStation store. If I was a game developer and saw this get on the store, I’d be furious. Because you genuinely do need connections and direct support if you want to get your game onto one of these marketplaces. Go watch the Indie Game documentary, where the devs of Super Meat boy talk about their journey, and even while having support from Microsoft themselves, still had to battle to get their awesome game to show up on the store.
So imagine you created something like Super Meat Boy, or Shovel Knight, and you finally were able to get it onto the PSN store, or Xbox, or Steam, or…okay maybe not Nintendo; but the number of downloads and purchases you were expecting, or maybe even promised, was cut in half, or a quarter. Simply because your game was lost underneath the trash heap of games that flood these marketplaces.
Curation, Quality control, volume control. These things matter. And Sony needs to get on top of this sh*t, or else they’re going to become a worse version Steam.